We’ve already popped the cork on the bubbly a couple hours early, and we want to know from you:
What are your roommate resolutions for 2011? Do you promise to do the dishes more often? Or maybe you resolve to no longer let squatters use your living room?
ashleyurl asked: my roommate has been avoiding me. It could because i'm about a foot taller than her.. but when I walk into the kitchen she runs away. I've never done anything to scare her, I don't even find myself intimidating.
Are you abnormally tall or is she abnormally short?
Either way, I don’t think it’s you that needs to be worried about being killed, it’s probably her.
Let’s be honest, giants don’t come with the best reputation. Think about Jack and the Beanstalk: the giant did nothing but eat and stomp around and then chase away the hero. Your roommate probably feels the same way.
Do you often walk into rooms yelling “FEE FI FO FUM”?
Like the helpless ant, your roommate is afraid she is going to be caught under your heel. No one wants to be squished. When you hear her come into a room, get closer to the ground. Stay sitting down as much as possible, or try investing in a large statue that you can stand beside and look smaller in comparison. At the very least, try announcing loudly that you are entering a room and anyone afraid of being stepped on should watch out. I’m sure eventually she will begin to feel more safe.
Our team is all drunk on eggnog and can’t seem to do much else but sing carols, so we will resume helping you with your dilemmas once the festive glow has worn off their noses.
In the meantime, keep sending us your horror stories.
Anonymous asked: She goes through my drawers and wears my underwear. She also talks about me and makes fun of me that I'm suicidal. Not funny.
I am pretty sure that this is the plot to a horror movie. Watch either of those films and they will tell you that your roommate is probably trying to take over your life and get rid of you.
Your best defense? Try being her. Steal her underwear, hang out with her friends, change your hair to be like hers. If she continues to try to be you, she will just be herself and this will hopefully confuse her enough to back off.
whyishephil asked: Just wanted to say thanks for following, and that this is a hilarious blog. My roommate last year was DEFINITELY evil. No questions about that, haha. I was definitely more likely to kill her, though…
Never let your guard down. You might not be roommates anymore but that doesn’t mean she isn’t lurking in an alley, biding her time…
missteraudi asked: ...how did you read my mind...
Because we’re all in the same situation here!
thepurplerosediaries-deactivate asked: Can you read my whole entire blog? Ha ha!
I guess to summerize her behavior: has a safe, has locks on things, sets boobytraps (oh yeah), slams everything (literally), falsely accused me of going through her things (via Facebook status), erases my drawings on my white board, wrote rude comments on my writing blog, dumped out my reed diffuser in the bathroom sink, wrote me a "lovely" note about how I'm a liar and that she's never done anything wrong in her entire life (literally), had me sexiled for 14 hours on three seperate occassions, decided that she didn't have to follow our roommate agreement because "we did it when we first knew each other" (thus leading to a huge arguement, music blarring, and alarms going off every 20 minutes for 6 hours when my boyfriend spent the night, even though we have a written document saying that it is okay. She never leaves the room, isn't in any clubs or sports and hangs out with two friends from her highschool and I never see her eat anything and she has an obsession of gaining weight. She allows her alarm (which are songs) to play all the way through at least 5 times each morning. My own stuff has been gone through and searched (how ironic). And to top it all off, she has phone conversations at 6am. Why, you ask? Her parents call to wake her up in the morning for class and for tests.
It is normal to find one or two of these traits in a crazy roommate, but all of these? You’ve just about given our team a nervous breakdown trying to figure out what is going on here.
But despite all of these things, the one thing that jumped out at us like a mongoose in a cardboard box is the fact that she is setting booby traps. What kind of booby traps are we talking about here? And what exactly is she trying to protect?
Clearly she has something to hide. Likely, she is a pirate with hidden treasure that she is afraid of you finding. Her natural plundering skills are what causes her to compulsively search your belongings, looking for gold and dubloons. Pirates lack traditional social niceties, such as respecting belongings, and and are just generally obnoxious. Also, she is probably used to the food of the high seas, and therefore doesn’t enjoy the meals that us landlubber’s do.
Or maybe she is simply hiding the body parts of her previous roommate.
We recommend you take a page from the movies of our favourite archaeologist bad boy and booby trap expert, Dr Indiana Jones, and invest in a whip. And a sweet hat. Even if she doesn’t try to kill you with a giant boulder that explodes from your closet when you try to get dressed in the morning, at least you’ll look badass.
And keep sending us your crazy roommate behaviour and we’ll tell you if your life is in peril.
ohsoarii-deactivated20101215 asked: OhmyGod I'm so glad you followed me.
My roommate just stayed in the bathroom for an hour and a half with her laptop. Is that normal? I mean, maybe should could be having a "party" by herself, but still. For an hour and a half?!
We apologize for the delay in answering your question, but it took us a few days to survey your roommates internet activity and figure out what she was doing in there.
Think about it, what do people do on the internet these days? Look at cute cat videos. Talk to their friends. Watch porn.
Sell organs on the black market.
It’s a little known fact* that Craigslist was created in 1995 as a cover-up for organ sales in San Francisco. Hidden amongst the W4M and Garage Sale ads was the sinister underbelly where the desperately diseased sought the shady surgeons willing to provide healthy lungs, hearts and other major organ systems for a price.
Your roommate spends hours making deals with people who are looking for a healthy kidney for their sick child, or retinas for their injured husband.
Obviously, she has not decided to harvest your organs - yet. Perhaps your organs are not up to snuff yet, or possibly she is trying to make them healthier before making her move.
We recommend beginning a strict regimen of destroying your body. Develop a drug addiction, smoke too many cigarettes, drink until your liver is pickled. Whatever you have to do, make sure she does not set her sights on your organs!
She also plays a lot of World of Warcraft, but we’re pretty sure it mostly has to do with the organ donations.
*disclaimer: this “fact” is mostly speculation.
We've all had terrible roommates. Do you sometimes wonder of their mental stability? You don't have to any longer. Thanks to our fancy schmancy computer algorithms we can help determine if their seemingly just irritable strange habits are actually hints to their murderous undertones.
Send us examples of your roommate's strange behavior and we'll analyze them and determine the likelihood of seeing your next lease.
Haha.
Good question!!
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